The Mendacity of a Zero Tolerance Bullying Policy

62 Comments on “The Mendacity of a Zero Tolerance Bullying Policy”

1. It makes me sad to read this. I have a great deal of empathy for your family’s struggle with the bullies. I don’t know an answer. The world has become a weird place. There is all this policy and all these laws, but I wonder if they really help. Do this; don’t do that–but who is going to make you?

   I suspect the school is blowing you off because they don’t have the power to enforce their own policy. It’s possible that all they can do is talk to the bully’s parents. If the parents choose to do nothing, the school is powerless. When I was in college, I considered going into teaching (for about 5 minutes). One of the first things we learned is how hard it is to get a kid who is keeping the other kids from learning out of your classroom.

   I remember being bullied when I was in the 3rd grade (or thereabouts–possibly I was even younger than that). The kids doing the bullying were two 6th grade boys. They were bullying me on the bus.

   Like your daughter, I got off the bus in tears one day. My dad wanted to show me how to fight these kids–and really hurt them (because that’s my dad). My mom, however, intervened. The solution was that I never rode the bus again. To this day, I don’t know which of my parents was right.

   Anyway. Hugs and good luck. Okay?

   • Thank you so much Catie. And I know, re the lack of power at the school. I keep asking myself what the solution is, and then I try to stop asking any questions. For now, we’re trying to equip Maddie with the tools she needs to defend herself. We’re advocating hard on her behalf, and keeping her out of school pending a satisfactory resolution of the problem.

     As far as your parents and who was right, honestly, I don’t know either. I’m so angry and sad. Part of me simply wants vengeance. Part of me just wants all of this to go away. I wish there was an easy solution. Thank you so much for your kind thoughts!

2. It makes me boil over to read this. I understand your need to break down and just feel weak for a couple of minutes. I was bullied, then I fought back. My youngest son was bullied, after my intervention with the bullies parents it got worse, then he fought back. Shockingly the bullies parents were stunned when he came home in tears with a fat lip, bloody nose and in tears; my son had hit him with one of those plastic baseball bats. Yes, I told him to find something to hit him with since he was so much bigger. I didn’t realize he would do it, I just wanted to empower him after the bullies father told me my son needed to ‘grow a pair and stop being a mama’s boy’. Well the bullies parents were furious with me and my son, they called the police and reported my son. The police came over and after talking to me, my son and several other neighbor children went to the bullies house, searched his garage; found several bikes and other toys he had stolen, including my sons. It stopped after that.

   This is when you stand your ground. Demand the school intervene and do the right thing to protect your child. If it doesn’t stop here and now it will never stop. These bullies must learn the consequences of their actions and their parents must also be engaged. It is not okay. It is never okay.

   I love you are standing up. I love your daughter is brave like her mother.

   • Valentine, I didn’t know this much about you. You are amazing. God bless your son!! You told him to grab something!! Great advice indeed, Mum. I can hardly believe it got worse after you involved the parents though. I would be SO ashamed, SO ashamed of my son…

     The police involvement & finding the stolen goods : BRILLIANT. I can’t imagine a better result. Good on you, Valentine 🙂

   • Thanks so much dear friend. It’s going to be a long fight. Today she is home with me, working by my side. I’m giving the school system all I got. Love you.

   • You did exactly what I would’ve done, my friend. Good job mama. I love it!!

3. I liked this post, then thought, what is there to like ???? I was bullied at school, because I was short, because of the job my dad did and even because of the street I lived in. It was horrid, but in those days (40/50 years ago) bullying was not recognised as a problem. You were soft, it was your fault, you needed to ‘toughen up’ (not the phrase used in those days). In those days everyone bullied someone. I did it. It was part of growing up. But in those days, bullies seemed to grow out of it. It was a kids thing in those days, and when you got to the ‘big school’ it had more or less gone. Now i think about it, I ‘like’ the post. I don’t like the subject matter. It makes me uncomfortable, as it should, and that is why I ‘like’ this.

   Here endeth my ramblings.

   • Please come back and ramble anytime Tony. I liketh your ramblings. And it’s complicated–the whole darn thing is complicated!!

4. I think parents are to blame when bullying continues. The offenders that is. Go to the police and go to the school superintendant. Call your local T.V. station , talk to a news reporter, call your local newspaper. Call your Congressman. My grandson , who was in the 6th grade and living with me, his grandmother, was bullied by a black girl who was much older and much bigger. He tried to avoid her, finally after weeks of bad treatment by her he finally got into a fight with her. Both kids got expelled for 10 days. I almost went to jail , the principal saw my child as a trouble maker. In this instance I knew better. I think the teacher was also afraid of the 15 year old 6th grader who was the agressor. But i took him out of school and home schooled him for the rest of the year, and changed schools the next year. He has never had a problem since. He is 21 and has been in the Marines for 2 years. Doing great. Do not give up hope, but you must reach higher than the local school level. I learned from our city mayor that I should have recruited some help from someone higher up. The squeakey wheel gets the grease. Get an attorney and sue the school and the school district….at least go talk to an attorney, and the police in your town. Maybe even a letter from an attorney to the school would make a believer out of them….Good luck…

   • A 15-year old 6th grader?!! My gosh!! I’m so glad everything has turned out well for your young man! I’m doing many of the things you suggested and of course am keeping her out of school until this is resolved. Thank you so much for your kind thoughts!!

5. That “boys will be boys” crap and the leading question . . . oh, oh, oh, they get me angry. So, so very angry. I have a few things I’d like to do, but none of them–off the top of my head–are constructive. I’ll think on this some more, but in the meantime, I’ll just say I’m glad you are documenting, documenting, documenting.

   I am so frustrated that, in order to avoid legal liability, this is the stance certain school professionals feel they must take to protect their schools and their reputations. These are not the most important thing in a picture involving our precious, wonderful children.

   • Thank you so much, my friend.

6. My heart goes out to you and your daughter. Hurting for you, hurting with you.

   • Thank you so, so much dear friend!!

7. Ohhhh El….we have been going through a very similar situation, only it is my fifth grade son who is being bullied by one girl in particular but her posse at times as well. This is heartbreaking, frightening and disturbing on SO MANY FREAKIN LEVELS! The whole…’kids will be kids’ mentality makes me sick, when my sweet boy, who yes wears glasses and cares about others, is in tears and upset from being humiliated. We were at a concert the other night at school and those teachers who OBVIOUSLY aren’t communicating with each other have placed my boy next to this girl in choir and math! I left a msg at school for the teachers and no response yet. The hallway outside the gym has the same, anti-bullying posters, I counted three of them, great message that they are following through on
   I don’t have any words of wisdom, my heart breaks for your brave little girl, please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. xoxo

   • Jen!! I found your comment tucked away in my pending folder–please forgive my tardy response! I am so sorry that your little guy is being bullied by a posse . . . and the mentality of “kids will be kids” also makes me nutters. I keep thinking that our sweet children will in the long run be so much better off than the little shites that are bullying them. You know what I mean? I don’t have wise words right now either, but you and your son will be in my thoughts and prayers as well! xoxo

8. I am so sorry, El. This is incredibly heart-breaking to me. I don’t have answers, but I do I think you have handled this situation extremely well. And what strikes me above all else is that your daughter sees an advocate in you. She sees you will stand beside her no matter what. And that, my friend, is huge. It really is. Knowing your mom stands behind you, believes you, and fights for you, can make all the difference. Will be praying for your precious child and for you, too.

   • Thank you so much dear Rachel, for your kind thoughts and especially prayers–we will take those with tremendous gratitude!!

9. Its a shame when people in charge won’t take action and hide behind a wall of words. Your daughter is lucky to have an empathetic parent like you. Would getting in touch with a few other parents affected by kz and speaking with the school authorities as a parent body help? Good luck to you

   • Thank you! And that was exactly what I was thinking. I have found out, from speaking with some other parents, that this KZ bullied a child so relentlessly last year, the victim changed schools. That said, it seems I am alone in this–and I suppose that just is what it is. Thank you so much!

     • awww that’s too bad! wish there were other concerned parents to take this up along with you

10. My son was bullied, so I know how you feel. I said a prayer for God to give you strength and peace, courage and wisdom. I prayed for your daughter, too. From what I have just read, what she is going through is such an injustice! I pray God rights this wrong being done to her, and that she can finally “be happy again”, too, like your friends child. Our circumstances may change through life, but God is still GOD…and HE is in control, and ready, willing and able to come to our rescue! DEEP BREATH, El, and Let Go & Let God. God asks in Genesis 18:14, “Is anything to hard for the Lord?”. So remember, when the waters are raging all around you, and you don’t know where to turn next, and you begin to melt down, STOP and listen to the Shepherd call out to His little lamb, “Calm down. Don’t panic. Let Me rescue you.” And He will! Your family is in my prayers!

    • Thank you so much P.j., for caring and most of all, for reminding me to put this in God’s hands. Thank you many times over!!

11. That’s horrifying. This KZ kid should be expelled. I think I’d just go ahead and get he police involved. Sometimes civil action is the only answer, you have to get the parents attention and sometimes that doesn’t even work. Have you considered a new school? You shouldn’t have to, but for the sake of your daughters safety and your peace of mind it might be worth it. Hope you’ll be given satisfactory resolution.

    • Thank you so much, my friend. Yes, I’m considering a new school and pretty much am leaving all solutions on the table until we get this resolved. Thank you so much for your kind thoughts!

12. It is great you have a record in paper, as now you have a case. It is time now to take action and negotiate no longer. State in a victim’s impact statement the effects on your child, get compensation if you can (only because money makes people THINK about what is happening). And most of all – if you can(?) – get a petition to have KZ gone.

    My heart is with you. This is horrific, and unfolding here and now. Please, please take strong action. No more letters.

    • Thank you so much for your thoughtful note, my friend! Thank you and we’re working the process the best we can. Thank you.

13. You keep going until she feels safe at school! You are and always will be her best advocate!

    • I will Mary!! And thank you so much!!

14. You are your daughter’s champion. Every kid needs a champion. I laud you for that.

    • Thank you so much Teresa!!

15. AElle this breaks my heart. I truly feel for you and your daughter. I’ve had similar experiences in middle school I was lucky though to have at least one friend on my side. My prayers are with u and your daughter. To the both of you stay strong and keep your heads up high, you must not resort to fighting back on their level! Ell keep talking to the principal and school board and you are doing a great job documenting. Also if possible bring up the bullies previous victim. You and your daughter are both very precious gifts. I am honored and blessed to know of you both! 🙂 stay strong! <3

    • Awww Andrea, thank you so much for your compassionate thoughts! I hear ya re middle school . . . I’m so glad you had an ally–that can make all the difference in the world. I’m honored and blessed to know you too!! xo

16. —I work for the school district and we see this sort of behavior all the time. It is NOT tolerated.

    Here is some advice.

    1. Meet Face to Face (not on the phone or email) NOoooo WAaaaaaY
    2. Get the social worker involved if needed.
    3. If nothing changes, contact your school superindendent. (I guarantee, the Vice Principal will then get off her / his ass…and DO something.

    Good luck.

    • Thank you so much Inner Chick. Check, check and check. Meanwhile, I got my kid at home with me working and we’re doing okay.

17. I clicked “Like” to let you know I was here, and reading. I do not LIKE this. I loathe it. But it’s part of my story, too. My boys are all smaller than their peers. (I’m a towering 5’2″, and dad is a whopping 5’6″.) They have small frames, and are smart. Add to that the youngest, who preferred music and drama to athletics. The trifecta for bullies.

    It makes me crazy that the policies for bullying are written by lawyers (no offense) instead of counselors. That they are focused on protecting the school and not the children. It’s all backwards.

    Heed the advice above. Meet with administrators in person. If they do not give you a plan to address this, then go to the next level. But protect your daughter at all cost.

    • Yes, my friend, amen. Amen to all that you wrote. I got her sitting at home working her butt off next to me. That pleases me so much.

      • Be open to the idea that her path may lie with you. Be open to all of the possibilities.

18. Hire a lawyer and go after the bullies’ parents, the school and the teachers who cannot control the situation. Include earlier teachers who let the bullies continue their behavior throughout elementary school. This is not acceptable.

    I was bullied as a kid. In many ways it made me a strong, self reliant person. But things were really different then, I think. It didn’t go as far in those days.

    The lead bully in my case got his comeuppance, though. Here’s how: http://fiftyfourandahalf.com/2011/10/09/comes-around/ It might make you smile. And you need it.

    • I hear ya re being bullied Elyse, and how it often has positive effects . . . same here. But it does seem to go further now. I wish I knew why. Thank you so much–I’m putting everything on the table, documenting the hell out of everything, and homeschooling my daughter until we secure her safety. Let me go on and read that link you attached–I sure could use a smile!

      • I don’t know why it is so much more these days, but it does seem to. Good luck with this battle. Keep us posted.

        • Thank you so much hun.

19. You might also consider contacting the local paper. At a minimum, you should let the school know that these are likely to be your next steps.

    • I am Elyse! I’m all over this–tired, but fighting hard!!

20. I pray for you and Maddie. I pray for strength, for you to not feel tired, but to feel energized as your mama bear takes over. I pray that Maddie KNOW how beautiful and wonderful she is, and that she not internalize any of this, but feel only pity (in the most condescending way of course;) for those lost mean kids. She is above them, and you both will prevail – for you are braver and stronger than you think.

    • This prayer, my friend, is so amazing. I heard and felt it loud and clear. Thank you so many times over. xoxo

21. TCES has a so-called zero tolerance bullying policy, which as far as I can tell simply protects the strong from serious repercussions. Given the increase of teenage and even pre teenager suicide that results from bullying, I am very concerned that the school isn’t doing more. While my daughter is not as of yet demonstrating signs of depression, she is showing an increasing desperation and sense of isolation. To date, she has tried to stand up to the children who have been hurting her, and somehow this has led her teacher to argue that MEF gives out almost as well as she gets. I find this more frightening than laughable.

22. I just concur with what everyone else has said, El. Maycee has received what I feel is borderline bullying from another girl at school, but each time the supervisor for the aftercare program has stepped in and handled it with the girl letting her know it is NOT okay. I keep my ears wide open and my voice in the mix, though, as I don’t want it to escalate. The supervisor knows my presence, and Maycee knows I have her back. I wish you so much more than just luck, and know that I am in your corner, I agree with you, and whole-heartedly want your daughter to be safe and happy. Much love, Kasey.

    • I’m so glad Maycee’s supervisor has been on the ball, Kasey. And good on you for keeping your eyes and ears open . . . often, that’s the best thing we can do. Listening to our kids and letting them know we’ll always be listening. Thank you so much for your kind wishes, and much love back atcha.

23. It seems that you place an unfair amount of blame on the school and the teachers. I see stories in the newspaper all the time about how the schools and teachers’ hands are tied. They can’t even take away recess anymore without being threatened with legal action. The real blame belongs on the shoulders of the bully and the bully’s parents. Teaching students to hit back only perpetuates a violent cycle. They should tell an adult at the school before they try to fight back on their own. I wonder…have the children had the opportunity to sit down with an adult (maybe the counselor or the teacher) and talk about the issue together? This could lead to some progress. Have you had any contact with the bully’s parents? I don’t know what action plan the school could come up with since in my experience separation doesn’t seem to solve the problem, rather it just places the problem on hold. Issues of bullying are so frustrating! I hope your daughter’s situation improves.

    • Hello there Camron. Thank you for your thought-provoking comments. I regret how little schools seem to be able to do. I reckon I’m not so much concerned with who is to blame per se. I just want it to stop, and am trying all avenues I can think of to effectuate change. I thought you suggested some excellent ideas and for that, as well as your kind wishes, I am so very grateful.

24. I’m actually writing about bullying in my nanowrimo project for young adults. It is horrible and unjustified. The school can’t sit on their hands and say they are powerless. And the parents of the bully aren’t at the school and frankly, may not care. How do bullies become that way at such a young age? Answer – usually the parents are either absent, abusive, or toxic in some other way. I don’t think you can expect help from them until the school demands it by way of kicking the bullies out and shaking up the parents. Every child deserves a safe place to learn and if they can’t give that to your child, then they are negligent. I don’t accept that they do nothing while your child’s personality is forever changed. Keep kicking ass, EL.

    • I’m so glad you’re writing about it for NaNo. I’m also going to address it, at least some, in Michael’s Hand. Your answer is exactly right. I agree 100% and I really appreciate your support, Renee. xoxo

25. This story makes me FURIOUS! What that bully needs is a sound spanking (or 25) from someone much bigger than he is! Please involve the police to protect your daughter, El! The assault she suffered should not go unpunished and the authorities will get involve if you call them in.

    Our local public school recently had an incident in which a young man (14 yrs. old) raised his hand against his girlfriend. It was a light slap … the FIRST time he had ever done anything remotely close to this … he had been goaded by the girl who did in fact (admittedly) dish out before anything was dished to her … and someone who saw it reported him (the girl broke up with him but didn’t consider anything he did worth reporting as bullying). To show you the inconsistency of the system:

    He was accused of bullying by the school and taken from school in hand cuffs, booked, then taken to court to answer for a light slap. The girl he hit still pursues him as a friend and ended up being a character witness FOR him in court.

    What happened to him was OVERKILL, but what is happening to the bully in your story is NOTHING!! The inconsistency makes me sick. The young boy in my community should have been given a warning and his parents (who punished him until the police stepped in – since then he needed advocates, not more jailers) should have been given the chance to bring their own consequences to bear. Unfortunately for my friend’s son, his future could be in jeopardy due to a careless, one-time mistake which someone else mistakenly reported as bullying, while your administration is not listening to years of accusations of bullying by the same kid! The reaction by the school to my friend’s son is as ridiculous as the NON-reaction to your daughter’s bully.

    At the end of your post I began thinking, “Why not home school your precious daughter?” I spent 15 years home schooling my kids (off-and-on, not every year, but most), and it ended up being both the toughest and most rewarding job I’ve ever had. She sounds like a gifted child who would probably benefit so much from one-to-one instruction anyway. Why not remove her from that (and other potentially) horrible situation while at the same time strengthening the bond she has with her loving family? God speed as you and your family decide what to do.

    • Thank you so, so much for your comment, my friend!! And it does sound like that case above was a bit of overkill! As far as my daughter, I appreciate your thoughts on homeschooling and we are keeping all options on the table. Stay blessed and I hope you enjoy Thanksgiving!

26. Oh El, I am so very sorry for you and your daughter. This is a terrible situation. Sadly, anti-bullying seems to get a lot of lip service but no actual concrete action. You can say something is wrong but if you don’t treat it that way, the message isn’t received. You are incredibly strong. Perhaps it is time to involve the police. Some people only respond to legal action. It’s really sad and unfortunate. I hope you find a way through this. Sending lots of positive thoughts and prayers. 🙂

    • Thank you so much Kourtney! I agree that we as a people are struggling to find a way to address bullying . . . for sure I won’t give up fighting it, and hopefully more with love than anger. For me, that’s the key–standing up to it without completely losing my mind. Nervous giggle. Thank you so much for your kind thoughts and prayers!!

27. As a father with two daughters, this broke my heart. Both of my daughters have had bullying experiences, but neither has been as severe as anything your little girl has been going through. I agree with the poster who said to make it as public as it needs to be. I work in a bureaucracy and often the only way I can get things done is by presenting situations to a wider circle of people, thereby creating external pressure on those that can and should act. It’s not always fair, but it works. I will say a prayer tonight for your family and especially your daughter. -No reply necessary; I know you are a busy mom. 🙂

28. El: You know TechSupport went through this in 5th grade. It sucked. Eventually I got my ass over to the school and demanded a meeting with the principal, assistant principal, school social worker and classroom teacher. I brought a lawyer. Things changed quickly. They moved the other boy into another class – and before middle school, I had to make sure to write a note indicating the boys needed to be on separate teams. Tech has had 3 very good years. I wonder what will happen when the boys are reunited next year in high school. They will likely be on many of the same classes.

    We got Tech some help. So he wasn’t gearing things from just his dad and me. This also helped a lot. I have faith your daughter’s perpetrators will eventually land in an unpleasant place. Karma is a bitch.

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